Fatherless Men

Geplaatst op 03-07-2026

I follow a bunch of interesting thinkers on Twitter. Over the weekend, Brandon St. Randy linked to an... uh, interesting story over on Muslim Bushido, "Let's Get Serious About Vetting Men, Part 1: Do You Really Want A Fatherless Man To Be The Father Of YOUR Children?"

Yeah. It’s what you think.

This was my first time visiting Kadijah’s site, so I’m not sure what her overall outlook about matters is (ie, is she sane vs. insane.) She seems to be a fired-up feminist, and very woman-biased.

Anyway, these are some of her thoughts:

Let's talk about something that I hear very few African-American women mention when they discuss the husband potential of various men: whether or not these men grew up with a father or are fatherless.

I find this quite strange, because the composition of a date's family of origin is one of the first few questions that "old-school" African-American parents want answers to ("Who are his/her people?") This is also one of the first few questions that many middle-class African-American parents will have about the people their children date. Parents from many other ethnic groups (such as African; Asian, including South Asian; and Middle Eastern) typically go even further with these inquiries. Parents from these groups tend to strongly discourage their children from dating people from broken or dysfunctional homes. They do this because they understand that their child isn't just marrying an individual, but is actually marrying and mating into another family's background.

Modern Western culture likes to characterize screening potential mates based upon their family of origin as intrusive and cruel, but it's actually quite kind in the long run by sparing people unnecessary problems.

The harsh reality is that most people do what they saw their parent(s) do. The example set by their parent(s) is the "default setting" for most people. Good or bad.

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She sets forth giving multiple examples of what men without fathers don’t experience. For example, never seeing first-hand what a live-in, full-time husband and father does, or seeing what a healthy, day-to-day relationship between a married couple looks like from inside the home, or never seeing a husband showing daily respect and consideration for his wife.

I get it.

For a long time, I had a rule about only dating men that came from two-parent homes. My logic based on the men I dated was there’s often obvious difference in the way they operate. For instance, the guy from a two-parent home often doesn’t think that every argument means the whole relationship is doomed and understands that even in the best of times that people will staunchly disagree. There was also the reality of masculinity that men from two parent homes, and specifically those with fathers, often understand differently. They don’t try to be men, they just are. They don’t have a Tony Montana, Tony Soprano, Tony Yayo view of how men behave. And when it comes to relationships, they don’t think The Cosby Show, a fictional sitcom, is how a marriage operates.

I gave up my theory for a number of reasons. 1) Coming from a screwed up household with backward thought isn’t exclusive to single parent homes, nor is it a given because a guy was raised (usually) by his mom. I’ve met a couple men with married, but rolling stone fathers who think non-committal relationships with multiple “baby mamas” and outside kids are acceptable. I’ve met some suburban Thug Life wannabe bangers from two-parent homes, and some straight up misogynists from dual parent houses too. 2) Having a father around doesn’t mean much if your dad “ain’t sh*t”; or 3) is so busy leading that he forgets to teach his son how to be a leader and not just follow everyone the way he does his daddy. 4) I met a great dude that didn’t have a dad around for most of his life who turned out nothing like Jody in Baby Boy.

There was Michael whose parents went their separate ways when he was a kid. He had an older brother who taught him what he knew of manhood, and his grandfather stepped in to give some man-teaching as well. His grandfather passed away in his teens but apparently Mike already got the protecting, providing part down pat. In his early thirties, we were at a parade and a fight broke out, likely to be followed by shots. He shoved me to the ground and shielded me—and an old woman nearby— from harm. When I asked him why later, he was baffled. His final answer: “uh… because that’s what men do.” When it came to finances, anytime I didn’t have it, he did. And when it came to the relationship, he was the one with the healthier ideas about what a relationship was and wasn't. (That was my heart right there.)

I figured out through him that the difference between guys who were raised by single moms and turned out with no real concept of manhood or its responsibilities, and those who did, was a male role model. I happily adjusted my dating "rule" to read: I won’t date any guy—absentee father or not— who didn’t have a male role model or idolizes a shitty one. (You can usually tell the difference by Date 2.)

So because of him I decided to take most guys on a case-by-case basis, which eventually led to another rule: I don't date men whose parents were never married, whether his father was involved or not. The ones I’ve dated often have a.... uh, unique outlook about family that doesn’t jive with my two-parent household background. I’ve listened to one too many children of unmarried men rationalize the actual benefits of having a “baby mama” because they're ready for kids. I was even called a potential “baby mama” by a dead-serious suitor who thought I would be flattered. Frankly, I was appalled. And it’s a large part of the reason I stopped dating him.

Um, sorry, I think “baby mama” should be a “surprise," if it has to happen (which it doesn't.Hello? Condoms? Morning After Pill if it breaks) , and not a planned event. You can plan to raise a kid with someone but don’t like/love them enough to put a ring on it? Plan a vacation or get a puppy to take up your free time.

Rant over.

So what say you? Is a man from a “broken” home a no-go? Is it even a factor when considering your seriously dating/hubby potential?